Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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