dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
