I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
