Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize