I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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