Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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