she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My ATM looks so different sober.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
