I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
