He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is Oprah even human
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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