just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
