you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
