$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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