Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
