I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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