Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
