im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
