I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
