A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
