i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There r osticjed everywhere
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
