it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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