I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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