Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
