i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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