Got a toothbrush?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
