We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
