I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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