I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
