theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
