Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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