A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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