I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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