Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
