i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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