Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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