I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
