sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
it's great music for shaving your balls
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
