I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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