woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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