After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
