My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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