my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
