Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I said "one day" and that day is not today
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
