I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
