I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
