Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
