May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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