Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
