just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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