got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize