stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
