Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
