i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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