oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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