Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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