when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
