At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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