I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I got inside last night via doggy door
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize