Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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