I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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