Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I want a musical about memes.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
