My Higher Power is John Stamos
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
