You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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