Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
