i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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