That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
