I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
